I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
