I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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