my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
