Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
