Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
