I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
