six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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