I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
