We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
