Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
