I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
