I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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