sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
