Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize