Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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