I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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