someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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