My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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