Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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