dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
