If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
