If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
