Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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