I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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