im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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