I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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