I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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