He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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