In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
