You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
