turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
