Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
