Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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