You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
