Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
