Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
