I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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