Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When are your genitals available?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
