The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
