i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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