He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
