apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
