Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
