I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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