You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
