That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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