i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
