ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
ttyl tear gas
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
