ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
