Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
