we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
