you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
