Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
