apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so let's talk penis.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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