Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dicks are not precious.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
