i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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