I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
