You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
