mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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