My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
