New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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