True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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