who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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