I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize