hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
this will be a night to untag.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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