1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
