Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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