i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
