But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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