so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
