Got a toothbrush?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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