This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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