Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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